A wise teacher once told me, “If you don’t enjoy it, you will never do it long-term“. And while he had the appearance of a homeless person and charged $25 for his seminar, I found this quote to be true.
Anytime I consider quitting something, I remind myself of this quote and instantly know what’s wrong. Take dating for example. Especially when it’s frustrating (almost the entire time), I know that it’s not the women, but how I approach things and what I am focusing on.
Nearly all of the people I know either struggle with or don’t enjoy dating – or gave up altogether. I can understand why, because nobody will actually persevere indefinitely in the absence of enjoyment. At some point, you will simply lower your standards or change your goal.
If you set out to find your dream girl and that doesn’t happen, despite your going through a process you hate for an extended period – eventually, you’ll settle for an okay girl that crosses your way.
A skill that takes years to master can’t be attained without a long-term commitment. And that in turn, is only possible with some sort of an enjoyment along the way, even if it’s just the small improvements that cheer you up.
If that’s not working, it’s probably time to shift the focus on to a different outcome. From getting laid to, let’s say, taking a certain action. At least something you feel good about afterwards and are able to self-generate positive emotions from on a regular basis.
Especially when it comes to women, I’ve been too focused on only doing things which have proven to work. Yet at the same time, they have made me feel miserable because I wasn’t doing what I would enjoy. For example, being rather direct is something I actually enjoy. It’s fun, easy and it actually feels good to speak your mind.
However, when it comes to dating, it’s more often than not better to think twice about what you say. Especially if you’re horny and want to get laid. Yet, I would love to just speak my mind – despite ruining it all.
That’s why I thought about doing different challenges simply to revive the fun. One could consist of always speaking my mind around any woman I am interested in for an entire month. I don’t care about whether I burn my interactions. (Which I probably will.)
Afterwards, I will judge how it felt and whether I want to continue going this route or take on a different challenge.
Instead of going up and doing the regular spiel of “You cute; want to meet you; let’s do drinks!“, (I don’t actually like drinks, nor going to bars.) I might say, “I want to meet you for X and then perhaps fuck at your place because I live with my friends and don’t want to bring girls back home.“
Yes, most girls will probably turn down that offer because it’s quite polarizing. However, being so direct might also free up a lot of mental RAM, I never have to think ahead and it’s more authentic than anything else. I am wondering how it will feel.
Enjoying the process isn’t about putting achievement aside, it’s about customizing a skill set in a way that you enjoy taking action AND get results. My preference would certainly include a direct and blunt style of communication. It’s bold, and most importantly, I feel alive afterwards – no matter what the outcome.