Most things, we suck at initially. Despite what people say, I am no God and still find myself struggling on a daily basis. In fact, most realizations I have don’t come in nice packaging.
Take my current, daily experience for example.
OUT OF CONTROL.
Waking up at random time, I think about today’s plan, occasionally write it down in written form and get ready to start the day. Minutes later, I find myself breaking down already, can’t get started on anything and am deeply in the grip of distraction.
Food, porn, YouTube. The entire spectrum.
Somehow, I imagined working from home to be different.
At this point, I already feel overwhelmed with a subtle frustration and start questioning the purpose of EVERYTHING. Hell, I can’t even get myself to get started on even the tiniest, most simplistic task.
I start to dread how ALL day is going to be spent at home, the dullness of the experience and that it’s likely to remain the same for the months to come.
The only real break, a change of scenery will be the weekend if only for a couple of hours when meeting friends. Other than that, I am stuck at home, trying to kill time, thinking of ways to make 12 hours pass more quickly while feeling totally unproductive simultaneously.
Now, I could blame it on the environment. Exciting stuff to do in the evening, I could cope with sitting at home during the day more easily. Looks like a legitimate reason, but is more of an excuse.
After all, I could’ve worked my ass off while staying in Thailand.
I did NOT.
Staying in Bangkok, I’ve been on the road every single day, met different girls and enjoyed the nightlife. So much variety and still, I ended up distracting myself and didn’t get much done at all. Fair enough, perhaps the pussy was too distracting.
A Slave’s Comfort
I’m surprised to say this, but the comfort of working a day job is, well, comforting. In fact, it’s probably the reason 99% of people stay in the 9-5 scheme – despite hating every minute of the experience. If all you have to do is show up and get paid by the hour, it’s easy to feel productive and almost like a success.
Back in the old days of enslavement, there wasn’t much I had to do in order to feel good about myself. Eat a clean diet, hit the gym and sit in the office. Money was made without regards to results, no pressure at all.
As an employee, I could relax, do nothing and just ponder about personal/business ideas while still getting paid and using my time productively. Most of the day was filled out and I felt like every minute was utilized – simply because I got paid for it.
Today, a different challenge arises. Just taking time to think – whether it’s business-related or personal – feels like a waste of time. In the end, I am only going to get paid by results. And so, relaxing, doing nothing, is more difficult than it seems and comes with a variety of negative emotions, or perhaps is their very cause.
At least, all of it has lead to interesting questions, and more importantly, analyzing my emotions and behaviors.